16 May Hatch End (Away) Lost by 8 wickets

It was only 3 short years ago that we left Hatch End having hammered them by 182 runs. Of course, 3 of the half centurions from that day (including the scorer of the worst fifty in Iver Heath history) were missing from the side but, surely, we're better than this ??

Put into bat on a good looking wicket situated in the middle of what looked like a ploughed field, the Heath got off to the worst possible start when Roll On was caught spectacularly at point by a fielder who will probably not even catch a cold for the rest of the season. Alien soon joined him in the changing room (ooer, missus) after waving at a passing plane with his bat. Fortunately, Turgid Abell was on hand to put most of the opposition to sleep for the next 40 mins and he was ably assisted by the skipper as they piled on 15 runs in the next 10 overs....

However, normal service was resumed when Colin was caught at "first" slip. Now, there is a debate as to which slip he was caught by as the guy fielding there is possibly the largest cricketer I have ever seen - my bet is that it was probably orthadox fourth slip. Scoop was finally bowled by the only person left awake on the pitch after another classic innings and when Rocky hoiked another one to the leg side before being caught out, it heralded the arrival of John "Douglas Bader" Knight to the crease for a highly entertaining innings (or highly frustrating if you were the fielding side). Dropped twice in his first two deliveries, he perfected the art of looking really crap but still not getting out. In the end it was only the fact that he was on the verge of pegging out after running a succession of two's that he gifted a catch to mid off.

The Chodmeister came in and hit some lusty blows to make the scoreline a little bit more respectable. Sicknote was out plumb LBW despite his theatrical departure from the crease (next time, Kev, don't stand in front of middle stump and look outraged) before Bird Brain Crow came in, took his middle stump guard and then stood outside off stump for 20 minutes.

Iver were given brief hope when Chodders got a wicket before tea but the result didn't look in too much doubt as Ivers bowlers struggled to get a breakthrough. Not helped by another relatively lacklustre fielding performance, the bowlers found the wicket to be what we all recognised it as - a batsmens pitch.

Man of the Match : Iain Stanfield (Stanners) 70 points