Here it is - the bit you've been waiting two years for ! The Player Profiles ! Just be aware that the page may take some time to load as there are a number of images and that any references to past exploits may have been...ermm....embellished to make for more entertaining reading !

The statistics section on each profile is taken from the forthcoming publication "Iver Heath CC Stats : 1980 - 2000" which will be available from all good bookshops by the end of the year. Alternatively it will be poorly photocopied and dished out on the first pre-season piss up.

Nicknames - Scoop, Sid the Sexist, Iron Gonads, Straight Bat

Pete joined the club in a flurry of aggressive batting strokes, witty anecdotes about life in Hampshire and a moderately humorous accent. 12 years later the batting has gone to pot but the other two are still there ! Scoop has developed a most remarkable bat 'n' pad hop form of defense which certainly keeps us entertained on the sidelines. He has, however, also turned in some of the most turgid innings in living memory. Always good for a laugh - part of the original Curry Breakaway Group.
Most Famous Moment - Taking a catch with his gonads at Denham
Famous Quote - "That bloke's crappin' in Pappins"

Nicknames - Roll On, Paddy, Bald Bast*rd, Mikey Bee

As I'm sure he will always remind you if asked (and often if not), was instrumental in saving of the club in 1988 when the "Old Guard" were threatening to close the club down. Paddy was given his nickname by the guys at Headstone St George after a particularly lengthy spell at the crease without once using his bat. Also patented the most lethal delivery in club cricket - the double bouncer. Renowned for his ability to clear a changing room with just one trouser trump.
Most Famous Moment - Padding out a maiden at Pinkneys Green in the penultimate over despite the fact we only needed 4 runs to win
Famous Quote - "Tom....can you nip down the shops and get me some bog roll, please ? I've used up the Sun's racing supplement"

Nicknames - Rocky, Richy Rich, Riff Raff

Without doubt the best close in fielder that you'll see at our level of cricket. Takes a "Catch in a Lifetime" at least 3 times a season. Has also sported the most ridiculous haircut the club has ever seen prompting him to be known as "Sheridan" after the alcoholic drink. He then changed it and ended up looking the dead spit of Riff Raff out of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" before settling on the Nick Cage look. Has the worlds smallest nipples.
Most Famous Moment - Playing ragtime blues with Paddy on tour
Famous Quote - "Who's your catching daddy ?"

Nicknames - Sicknote, KC

The Darren Anderton of Iver Heath Cricket Club. Sicknote has spent more time injured in his 11 seasons with us than actually playing. Famous for sporadic outbursts of gout, KC has also twisted his ankle, torn his ligament, broken a fingernail and pulled his pud. Regularly sports sunglasses in an attempt to look cool but often walks into things as a result....which normally leads to a couple of weeks out injured. He is deaf in one ear which led to a hilarious moment in the "Stag and Hounds" where JK spent an hour talking to him without realising he couldn't hear a word he was saying !
Most Famous Moment - Many....all revolving around getting injured
Famous Quote - "Sorry skip, can't play this week - I'm injured"

Nicknames - Bird Brain, Student Boy

A bit player these days for the club. Is also a bit player in life - he seems to allow it to pass him by without getting too involved ! Whenever he does turn out for the club, though, it is always an enjoyable experience if only for his fielding..ermm..expertise which normally involves attempting to hurl down the stumps every time the ball comes into the same postcode as him. Looks permanently stoned....which he probably is. Amazing to think it's the same guy that put Harefield to the sword 6 years ago. Probably can't spell "sword".
Most Famous Moment - Taking 7 wickets at Harefield despite being obviously stoned.
Famous Quote - "Sorted...sweet....diamond geezer...nice one...etc."

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Nicknames - Stick, Drucie

For years Tom had only the one shot in his armoury- the forward defensive - which he played to every delivery he faced regardless of line or length. Rumoured to have hit the ball off the square once but this has never been confirmed. Famously challenged Stocksie to a 100 yard race but stopped after he was about 60 yards behind him complaining about his footware. Was runner up to Arnie Schwarzenegger in Mr Universe in 1976.
Most Famous Moment - Being bowled ducking under a "bouncer"
Famous Quote - Can't repeat it but it involved a lady he was seeing at the time and was something along the lines of "Hold that thought - I'll be back" but involved her front bottom and the word moist.

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Nicknames - Glory, Gloria, Northern Monkey

The latest recruit to the club, Glory earnt his nickname coming on to bowl against St Johns Wood when they needed about 14 runs to win with 10 wickets in hand and he single handedly won the game for us. Or did he get spanked for 12 runs ? My memory fails me.....Can drink 23 pints of mild without falling over and can still drive home. Or maybe not ;-)
Most Famous Moment - Puking up after my birthday bash in November !!
Famous Quote - "Eey oop lass, give us a pint of mild and some chips with gravy"

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Nicknames - Magnet, JK, Wurzel

Every club has one - a leather magnet. Doesn't matter where you put him on the field, the ball will follow him. Not that you'd be able to tell from his record below - are we seriously supposed to believe that he's only been presented with 20 catching opportunities in the last 12 seasons !?!? Can tell you many things about the Post Office. Normally several times in the same sentence. My dad.
Most Famous Moment - Almost getting run out at Burnham when his pads were falling off. Trying to drive back to the hotel in Gloucester after an 8 hour session and being forcibly restrained !
Famous Quote - "Did I tell you that I work for the Post Office ?"

Nicknames - Uncle Hugh, Wily Old Campaigner, Old Goat, Sunbed

The man with more stamps in his passport than Judith Chalmers. International cigarette smuggler. 60's porn star. Uncle Hugh is a revelation to us all, still turning matches with his venomous spin bowling and his dogged not outs. Has adopted a batting style over the years which consists of : block, block, twat it. Never shy getting the beers in, Sunbed has firmly ensconsed himself in the role of Chairman of the club since time began...and possibly before that too.
Most Famous Moment - THAT diving stop at Minehead
Famous Quote - "Elephant....rargh.....giraffes.....monkeys wearing dresses....but of course I was terribly.......terribly drunk"

Nicknames - Fat Bloke, Mr Blobby

A lot has been said about Ian over the years. Most of it taking the piss out of him. That having been said, the club would definitely have folded if it hadn't been for his batting during the early 90's. Fat Bloke is famously geographically challenged, thinking every ground we play at is "just outside Peterborough". Early in his career he was a dead ringer for Rodney Bewes out of "The Likely Lads". Now just a dead minger.
Most Famous Moment - Shaking hands with the skipper from Ilton wearing nothing more than an enigmatic smile. Oh, and that incident with the skidmarked trousers.
Famous Quote - "Hi, how's it going ?"

Nicknames - Alien, Jammin'

Alien regularly brings top totty to the end of season meal and is, therefore, only allowed to stay in the club on the basis of this fact. Has been known to keep wicket pretty well too but that's another story. Has bowled the quickest over in the clubs history against Heath Taverners. Fancies himself as something of a ladies man. Is ugly. Very. Hideous, in fact. Gets out every week to the most outlandish shots and then practices the same shot straight after getting out as if it'll make a difference...or the shot more orthodox.
Most Famous Moment - Being ET's stunt double.
Famous Quote - "Sorry skip - forgot my wallet. Can I pay you next week ?"

Nicknames - Stanners

Simply the best bowler you'll face at our level of cricket. Also blessed with a sense of humour drier than an Arabians arsehole. Has a batting stance very reminiscent of the "Test Match" batsmen in the old board game (later replaced by cheap immitations using celebrity endorsements but essentially the same game). Rarely keeps the same address from one season to the next. Makes you wonder who he's running from. Could be a Colombian drugs baron.
Most Famous Moment - Showing the "real" Iain during the Curry Breakaway Group
Famous Quote - Too many. A funny fucker

Nicknames - Animal, Stocksie

Unquestionably the tallest player to have pulled on an Iver shirt at 6'6". Earnt his Animal nickname at Lords when almost killing one of the coaches with a lusty blow. Another one who fancies himself as a bit of a ladies man but as anyone who saw the moose he bought along to pitch preperations a few years back, this has to be questioned. Could once pull the old Iver roller on his own. Now so fat he could roll the pitch on his own. Has the Italian motorway network tattooed on his legs...or are they varicose veins ? Has taken part in the World Gurning Championships !!
Most Famous Moment - The yard of Guiness on tour in Somerset
Famous Quote - "I only got into the team thanks to my sandwich making ability"

Nicknames - Frank Skinner, Mr Big

Joined the club in 1999 and was immediately given a nickname on the basis of the fact that he could pass as Frank Skinners brother. His uglier brother, granted. Has probably the largest collection of batting shots in the club. Probably has the largest vegetable plot in the club too. Grows leeks and marrows. Probably for anal insertion. Sends the filthiest emails. Definite prevert.
Most Famous Moment - Being caught up in the 2000 Betting Scandal that rocked the sleepy Buckinghamshire town of Iver
Famous Quote - "I'll give you 10/1 on Fat Bloke outscoring DHB"

Nicknames - The Colin Formally Known As Skippy (TCFKAS)

Longest serving captain in recent years until standing down last season. Once won the "Jesus Lookalike of the Year" award and was immortalised on the front of the 1992 tour t-shirts. Has anyone else noticed that his grey streak has disappeared ? Grecian 2000, anyone ? Best friends with the captain at Harefield. And the boys at Fulmer. And Boyne Hill. Apparently doesn't take being dismissed well. Not seen any evidence of that meself. Ho hum.....
Most Famous Moment - Almost having a fight with the skipper at Harefield during tea
Famous Quote - "No you can't borrow our keepers pads"

Nicknames - Mr V, The Chodmeister

Went through one season with larger jugs than Kelly Brook. Now just buys them regularly thanks to his bowling exploits. Has his own language that only he understands. Was a bit of a "lad" at school which he'll more than happily tell you about over a bottle of Bud. Is a Jock as you can tell from his Gawd Blimey, Apples 'n' Pears accent. Has an amazing memory for useless stats. Either that or is good at bluffing.
Most Famous Moment - Being blatted for 30 runs in an over (sorry Doug)
Famous Quote - "I remember my debut against North Hillingdon. It was 22 degrees, a slight south westerly wind and their opener had eaten garlic the night before. His middle name was Frank and his favourite lesson at school was art"

Nicknames - Double Hard Bastard, Ginger Spice

Left the club in '90 before coming back in '96 after a spell of playing league cricket. Eats small children for breakfast. Will tell you that he's strawberry blonde and if you know what's good for you, you'll agree. Has been known to get..ermm..animated on the cricket pitch ! Beefy lad - hits the biggest sixes you'll ever see (ask the boys at Headstone). Can't hold his beer. Always flashing his arse.
Most Famous Moment - THAT six at Datchet. Taking out the teeth of the opener at Broadstone.
Famous Quote - "God this is sooooo boring"