SPORT

The Iver Heath Weekly Post

(incorporating Gypo's Weekly)
In this weeks edition

  • My life as a Playboy bunny girl. An exclusive interview with Tom Druce

  • Kiddies Playgrounds - a good reason to kick a cricket club off their pitch ? We investigate

  • 10 great ways to vandalise a pavillion

  • A special 4 page pullout - Counsellor Abell as you've never seen him before

  • Some other stuff we made up

Frank Skinners Betting Emporium

Photo courtesy of Abell Newspapers

 

Following on from the recent scandal involving South African cricket captain, Hansie Cronje, the Weekly Post can exclusively reveal that popular comedian Frank Skinner has been involved in a betting syndicate at our very own Iver Heath Cricket Club !

Mr Skinner, or Paul Taylor as he is known within the club, has recently opened a book on the relative performances of the club members and stands to make a fortune at the end of the current playing season.

It is understood that most of the players at Iver Heath are involved in the betting ring.
 

We can reveal the full and sordid details of this betting scandal for you, our beloved readers. It is believed that the club has been embroiled in match fixing since the early 90's. "How else can you explain the 16 all out against North Hillingdon?" asked one concerned pensioner in Iver High Street today. He continued "Of course it was different in my day. We only used to use one stump, the other two were off fighting the Hun. I was in the Home Guard, you know......" before pissing his pants and complaining about the price of a loaf of bread.

The chirpy, Brummie comic has devised a spread betting system whereby members of the team can bet against predictions for both runs scored and wickets taken. One insider, who refused to be named, said "Oim not 'appy about all this. 'E reckons oi'll only score 95 runs in a season. 'Ow can he say this when Oim the only one in the club 'oo knows the difference between sileage and slurry ?"

Below we have printed the actual spread betting analysis as devised by the former Fantasy Football star along with the form of the respective players over the last 5 seasons. Many of the supporters of the club are up in arms over these latest allegations to hit the once great cricketing giant. Unfortunately we couldn't find any.

Whilst the Weekly Post does not condone this kind of activity, this reporter would like to point out he stands to make £20 out of Mr Skinner should the players perform according to their past form.....
Spread 1995 1996 1997 1998 1999
Pete Abell 95 - 100 runs 53 43 181 32 36
Mike Busson 80 - 85 runs 160 292 164 294 134
John Knight 65 - 70 runs 61 86 64 7 34
Hugh Mitchell 18 - 20 runs 33 13 10 6 29
Ian Mitchell 495 - 500 runs 537 413 432 435 494
Ben Smith 115 - 120 runs 64 119 232 199 152
Paul Taylor 320 - 325 runs n/a n/a n/a n/a 150
Colin Terry 350 - 255 runs 274 342 544 542 458
Dave Williams 280 - 285 runs n/a 277 297 270 286
Iain Stanfield 40 - 42 wkts 24 41 n/a 33 44
Doug Vigar 33 - 35 wkts 28 38 48 56 32

Back to Iver Heath homepage