Nickname - Mikey Bee

Long standing member of the club, Mike is fond of reminding people that he was instrumental in keeping the club running back in the late 80's. This is particularly the case when asked to be 12th man by the skipper....Rumours abound that he used to be able to bowl but this has never been proved. The same can be said about his batting. And fielding. In fact only gets into the team these days because of the website.

Nickname - Rocky

Richard is still fondly referred to as one of the colts. At least I think that's what people are saying. He joined the club in 1992 as a wee lad and has been stuck at short leg ever since though he is occassionally seen behind the stumps. Normally having a sly pee before the game starts. Has got the worlds second smallest pair of nipples.

Nickname - Glory

His official club nickname would be 'Northern Monkey' but he objected on the grounds that his club shirt would cost more due to the extra embroidery. Tight bastard. Earned his nickname whilst playing against St Johns Wood and single handedly taken the attack to them. We lost by 10 wickets. If you ever meet Glory in the street (1) keep hold of your wallet and (2) ask him about his bolwing display in Minehead.

Nickname - Uncle Hugh

Has been around since the dawn of creation. Possibly longer. Hugh is a well loved and respected member of the Iver Heath family. Is it because of his wily old off spinners ? Perhaps it is his dogged yet flamboyent batting style. Maybe it's his lightning reflexes in the slips taking breath taking catches every season. More than likely, however, it's a combination of all of the above. And the fact he's always first to the bar.

Nickname - Trigger

The subject of much debate (not to mention derision) when it came to the subject of his official club nickname. Being the sensitive soul that he is, Ian didn't want to walk onto the pitch to bat with 'Fat Bloke' emblazoned on his shirt. Like the opposition aren't going to notice anyway ? He eventually won and his nickname now reflects his umpiring style rather than his likeness to the 'Only Fools and Horses' character though now I think about it a bit more.....

Nickname - Nipper

The baby of the bunch. Despite the photo on the left, he can't hold his beer as the lads at Farnham Royal are more than happy to tell you ! Plays for Hillingdon on a Saturday and then slums it with us on a Sunday. Always has an answer for everything. Years of playing cricket for Iver Heath will knock the cocky streak out of him....it has for the rest of us.....

Nickname - Dirk Diggler

At last ! We have finally got a left hander in the side !! The only previous one we had was also a steaming left footer who seemed to be more interested in the fine lengths on show in the showers rather than any of the ones on the cricket field so we got rid of him sharpish. Mark, on the other hand, we want to hang on to 'cuz he's actually quite good. Had already beaten the club record runs in the season by July. Likes a drink or too and looks like an 80's porn star hence the nickname. "Jah...das ist gut...I use zee egg visk now ? Vee make a speshial moofie ?"

Nickname - Jammin'

Notoriously unreliable and can go whole seasons without ever calling. Rumours of his alien heritage still abound despite him having spent the last 10 years on planet Earth. Was part of the all conquering colts team from the early 90's and has remained in the side ever since mainly because of his drinking abilities. Since Stocksie emigrated to the States, Jammin' has taken on the role of club drinker which is just as well cuz he can't play cricket for shit.....

Nickname - Stanners

Ask any opposing batsman who they least look forward to facing when playing Iver Heath and they'll all say the same. However, since the skipper doesn't let me bowl much these days, Stanners is the next best thing. Despite the fact that his knees are now held together with lolly sticks and elastic bands, Stanners still manages to amaze us all with his cricketing exploits each season. Passed the landmark 500 wickets earlier this season.

Nickname - Fat Frank

Paul was at the centre of the famous Iver betting scandal from a few years back and is still a shady character even now. He is also about 2 stone heavier since those heady days hence the new nickname. Despite bearing an uncanny resemblance to Frank Skinner, Paul has never said anything funny. Ever. He owns a dog with deep rooted psychological problems and is still coming to terms with the fact that he is no longer the alpha male of the house. That's Paul, not the dog. The dog is happy in his new role. He is the Daddy.

Nickname - Tonto

With the long grey hair in a ponytail and bad back, Colin is now starting to look more like aging 70's rock star than an athletic wicket keeper. Only the fact that he hasn't drowned on his own vomit prevents him from entering the Rock Hall of Fame. And the fact that he can't sing which he proved so conclusively at the end of season karaoke session a few years back. I've not been able to listen to "Jammin" since....

Nickname - Mr V

The memory man. If you've done it, Doug will remember it. Whether or not what Doug is saying is true is still open to debate but he expresses his views with such an authoritative air that one summises that they must be true. Used to have cat like reflexes in the outfield. Now just fields like a cat chasing a ball of wool. (MB Note - Must stop criticising skipper or will never get a bowl)

Nickname - The Fridge

Andy first played for the club back in the early 80's with his brother David and father, Graham. After a number of years away from the boys he has decided to come back and show us all how to play the game despite not having picked up a bat or ball in abround 12 years ! Welcome back, Mr Williams !

Nickname - DHB

Let's get one thing straight from the beginning. Dave is not ginger, he is strawberry blonde. Now that we've got that straight we should all be in for a much more relaxed afternoon...DHB (which stands for Double Hard Bastard) likes to hit the ball hard. Very hard. Has been known to make grown men weep with his batting. These days, however, he is batting like a girl. I can say that cuz he hasn't got access to the Internet. The big ginger girl.